The Challenge Of Change

Growing up, Annie Meehan was always told she had a beautiful smile, but it hid an ugly truth.

It included dealing with homelessness as a youngster, growing up in a dysfunctional family, being raped as a teenager by a trusted employer followed by attempting suicide, coping as a single mother and fighting mental health issues.

"I was always told to smile, no matter what — but it didn't tell what actually happened," she said of the outward appearance.

However, Meehan has found light at the end of the dark tunnel. Now married for 26 years with a family of her own, she has shared her journey in her eight books — one of them winning the Ben Franklin national honor — and with audiences across the country.

Wednesday morning, the Minnesota motivational speaker and author addressed the 25th annual Yankton Area Mental Wellness Conference on the Mount Marty University campus.

Meehan titled her presentation, "Choosing Change Is Challenging But Worth It." Making life changes requires an intentional choice that can prove painful but rewarding, she added.

In her opening moments, Meehan asked her audience if they knew people that continue destructive behavior. In turn, those toxic people can take a toll on other lives, but it's worth reaching out to them.

"If you love them more than they love themselves, why do you try to help them?" she asked. "But please don't give up hope. Don't quit showing up."

However, the other person must want help, she said, using her own life as an example.

Meehan's mentally ill mother, a hoarder, wouldn't open the curtains so others couldn't see the massive piles of junk she stored. In many ways, keeping the curtains drawn symbolized Meehan's life as a child, teenager and even as an adult.

She was one of seven children born in eight years, which added stress to the family.

Her father, an alcoholic, told her when she was 4 years old that she could get by on her looks. However, she also felt the remarks implied she didn't possess traits she desired: inner beauty, intelligence, self-confidence, respect from others and independence.

She showed Wednesday's audience in Marian Auditorium her kindergarten class picture from 1973-74 in Champaign, Illinois. Once again, she wore a smile that covered many hurts in her young life.

"When I was 7 years old, I asked my father if he wanted a beer (while watching television). Isn't that a good question to ask (an alcoholic)?" she wondered.

However, her well-intentioned effort broke his unwritten rule of never talking during a football game and threw him into a rage, she said. "He threw me down the hall, and I didn't say one word. I cried silently so I didn't interfere with the game," she said.

Much as with her parents, Meehan grew up learning abused women usually had a "wounded man" behind them. "Why do (those women) stay with a man who has spent his life hurting other people?" she wondered.

During her childhood, Meehan found her pet peeve was people labeling children. "If someone said you had a ‘good kid,’ you were implying that others weren't," she said, believing the label also pigeonholed children.

In addition, Meehan found people making superficial judgments about herself.

"A photographer asked which was my better side, the right or the left," she related. "I said, ‘I hope it's the inside, because this (outward appearance) doesn't matter."

LIFE CHANGES

Meehan's parents split up, with her mother raising the children. Eleven days after Meehan turned 11 years old, her family's apartment building in Champaign, burned to the ground. With her displaced family standing nearby, firefighters made comments like, "Who would live in a garbage (apartment) house like that?"

For Meehan, the fire represented more than just a lost building. Her mother packed her seven children in the car, eventually moving to her aunt's home in Minnesota. But her uncle, a mentally ill man, didn't like children, and the aunt said the family needed to move.

Meehan's mother was forced into an endless effort to find food and shelter. Eventually, a church secretary who had faced a similar situation took the displaced family into her home until they could make permanent arrangements.

As she grew up, Meehan eventually learned her mother had become pregnant earlier in life and had given up a child. Her mother, now 95, had felt distress over the pregnancy and adoption and showed signs of mental illness her entire life.

Through DNA testing, Meehan later learned the sister's identity.

Meehan described her own difficult journey, including attending an alternative high school and taking nanny jobs. During one job, the trusted husband raped her. When Meehan called home, her mother told her, "They pay you well. Be quiet and do your job."

While told she had pretty eyes, Meehan said they were also the saddest eyes. She desperately wanted love and attention, as her parents never said they were proud of her.

After the rape, Meehan felt so worthless that she drank vodka and took sleeping pills, hoping she wouldn't wake up. Instead, she was taken to the hospital and recovered, waking up to find her sister brushing her hair as an act of love and kindness.

As a teenager, Meehan became pregnant and was terrified. "My boyfriend asked, ‘Do you want an abortion or to get married?’ It wasn't the proposal I was hoping for," she said.

However, the life inside of her proved a blessing. She chose to keep the baby, and she pursued a healthy lifestyle for the pregnancy and as a new mother.

"The unplanned pregnancy saved me," she said.

At the same time, her mother's mantra was that "men are good for nothing" and only wanted a woman for the kitchen and bedroom. The persistent message proved damaging for both the boys and girls in the family.

The siblings ran into their own challenges as adults, with some suffering early deaths.

One brother called Meehan, saying he had been kicked out of the U.S. Navy and asking if he could stay with her. She was surprised at the call but agreed — only to learn he was AWOL (absent without leave).

"We learned he was raping girls and abusing children since he was 13, and our mom knew," Meehan said.

Their mother supported the brother and sat behind him at the trial. Meehan did what she considered the right thing, supporting the victims even though she stood alone as she considered giving it a voice to the voiceless.

Meehan turned her life around and even reclaimed a lost moment from her teenage years. Then 23 with a 3-year-old child, she attended a prom for an experience she had missed in high school.

She also found love with the right man. "I kissed a lot of frogs, but there is hope. We’ve been married 26 years and have known each other for 31 years," she said.

While greatly improved, her life hasn't been without challenges. She and her husband live at Fort Myers Beach, Florida, but saw their condo building destroyed last September by Hurricane Ian, a Category 5 storm.

The hurricane was one of the strongest to hit Florida in nearly a century, claiming 161 lives, 13 missing and $113 billion in damage. Meehan and her husband stayed sheltered in place for more than 24 hours during the storm, and they remain displaced in temporary housing.

In an act of both faith and defiance, Meehan organized a wellness walk along Fort Myers Beach. In a show of solidarity, she and the other hurricane survivors had weathered their own personal storms.

FINDING NEW LIFE

Meehan spoke with the Press & Dakotan about the tools she uses not just to survive but also to thrive.

"For me, 100%, it starts with my (Christian) faith. It's something I share or I can't, depending on the conference," she said. "I tell people this: Everyone may abandon me, but God never will. My strength comes from my family and faith. But I’m not one who just believes in God and He will bless me."

Meehan believes in taking God-given talents and strengths to build a strong life.

She is scheduled to speak twice today (Thursday) at MMU, with one presentation entitled "The Exception." But she doesn't see herself as the exception, instead choosing an active life.

She begins her day at 3 a.m. with a half-hour for prayer and another half-hour for exercise. She stays busy and surrounded by uplifting people. "I watch a positive video every day, I move my body as medicine, and I don't watch the news. That's how I stay healthy," she said.

Meehan recognizes that maintaining good mental health remains a daily effort.

"Depression stole the first 20 years of my life and I felt hopeless," she said. "Whether it's COVID, the hurricane, my family or losing another sibling, I can go back there."

Besides her proactive approach, Meehan said she guards against toxic people. "I have healthy boundaries around my relationships, and I use those boundaries as protection for myself," she said.

She encourages therapy or a life coach. That said, she's amazed at the number of strangers on a plane who will tell her the most intimate details of their lives.

She can't explain the attraction and personal connections. "I guess it's a gift that people acknowledge," she said.

The pandemic created mental health problems that still persist for many people, Meehan said.

"People are more isolated or lost than ever before," she said. "At conferences, I have people come up to me and say, ‘How do you talk to people? I live alone, work alone, I don't go out. I force myself to take a shower and leave my home once a week.’ If that was me, I would be miserable all the time."

Meehan encourages everyone to evaluate their own attitudes and those around them.

"You need to assess to address," she said. "Everyone is a Winnie the Pooh character. You have to watch for being surrounded by too many Eeyores (the gloomy donkey) who bring you down. And if there are no Eeyores in your life, then you’re the Eeyore and need to look for a Tigger, Pooh or Owl."

Social media has created an arena where visitors post edited photos of themselves and make superficial judgments of others, Meehan said. "What if we stop editing ourselves and show up with our messy parts?" she asked.

In her life's journey, Meehan has replaced her own self-image. The old labels can't just be ripped off; they need replacement with positive words, she noted.

"The old narrative said you were worthless and all you had was your looks," she said. "My new narrative says I’m strong, successful and brilliant, and the world needs my hope, life and belief."

As an example, she recalled the man who told her not to attempt college because she lacked the abilities. "I would love to meet him and ask him how many books he has written. And I wrote one independently that won a Ben Franklin Award," she said.

She offers one final piece of advice. "Never, ever give up hope," she said.

Follow @RDockendorf on Twitter.

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